Moments of difficult truth
I've been telling myself since this all hit the fan, that the Lord will equip me for each new realization as it comes. New sobering realities of our limitations surface each day. This brings both of us to a new level of surrendered each time. Today was one of those days.
Ryan had two absent seizures at church today. When he comes out of them, he loses his train of thought and gets very angry and verbally abusive. It was in front of the pastor's wife. It was in front of our sons. My heart broke in service singing a hymn. The name escapes me, but the gist of it was longing to be home with our Lord. It occurred to me in perfect clarity that, until Ryan meets Jesus, these anger outbursts will continue.
This is something that has been going on a long time in our marriage. It's ripped us apart. Now that we both have an explanation, I am thankful it's not a character flaw in him. Regardless of that relief, how on earth am I going to continue to deal with this heartbreak on a regular basis? Why on earth is this allowed to be the normal in our lives? What if the boys treat me this way from Ryan's example? Will God shield them from this dysfunction?
My heart is so heavy. This is not what I wanted; a marriage out of control. No marriage should be this way. This is not my dream.
Ryan explained to me this evening that he is longing more and more to go home. He is willing to fight to be with me and the boys as long as he can, but he would so much rather meet his Maker. I'm so thankful the Lord has brought him to such a peaceful place, but the fact that this is even a topic we are discussing rips me apart. I can't, at the moment, fathom living a life without Ryan, but I would also rejoice that his body would be free of the weight of our worldly sin. His body would be as it should have been, as God intended. No more tumor. No more anger. No more abuse. Free to praise our God. I know this is what's best for him, what's best for all of us.
The boys were Ryan's next topic of discussion. He wants to go when the boys are young and can emotionally recover from the loss. That's a whopper and a sad reality. I feel the same unfortunately. He doesn't want the boys to be afraid of losing their Daddy each time he has a brain surgery. And, truthfully, how many brain surgeries can the human body take before it does more damage than good? We are praying for God's grace over the boys lives, whether Ryan goes early or not. How will God use this to capture their hearts?
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Ryan had two absent seizures at church today. When he comes out of them, he loses his train of thought and gets very angry and verbally abusive. It was in front of the pastor's wife. It was in front of our sons. My heart broke in service singing a hymn. The name escapes me, but the gist of it was longing to be home with our Lord. It occurred to me in perfect clarity that, until Ryan meets Jesus, these anger outbursts will continue.
This is something that has been going on a long time in our marriage. It's ripped us apart. Now that we both have an explanation, I am thankful it's not a character flaw in him. Regardless of that relief, how on earth am I going to continue to deal with this heartbreak on a regular basis? Why on earth is this allowed to be the normal in our lives? What if the boys treat me this way from Ryan's example? Will God shield them from this dysfunction?
My heart is so heavy. This is not what I wanted; a marriage out of control. No marriage should be this way. This is not my dream.
Ryan explained to me this evening that he is longing more and more to go home. He is willing to fight to be with me and the boys as long as he can, but he would so much rather meet his Maker. I'm so thankful the Lord has brought him to such a peaceful place, but the fact that this is even a topic we are discussing rips me apart. I can't, at the moment, fathom living a life without Ryan, but I would also rejoice that his body would be free of the weight of our worldly sin. His body would be as it should have been, as God intended. No more tumor. No more anger. No more abuse. Free to praise our God. I know this is what's best for him, what's best for all of us.
The boys were Ryan's next topic of discussion. He wants to go when the boys are young and can emotionally recover from the loss. That's a whopper and a sad reality. I feel the same unfortunately. He doesn't want the boys to be afraid of losing their Daddy each time he has a brain surgery. And, truthfully, how many brain surgeries can the human body take before it does more damage than good? We are praying for God's grace over the boys lives, whether Ryan goes early or not. How will God use this to capture their hearts?
I'm thankful we have fifteen more years before they learn this isn't acceptable driving technique.
Copyright 2013 ->Renee Sunberg
Copyright 2013 ->Renee Sunberg
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