Revelations
Someone recently told me I have a lot to forgive. This is a loaded statement and I've been in very deep thought about this. Indeed, I have had to do a lot of forgiving every single day, every hour. Not only forgiving Ryan, but also forgiving myself for simply being human. Ryan's tumor isn't on my forgive list. I hate cancer. I hate sin and our Fall because cancer has resulted from it. I'm not going to lie down and accept the infection. In our case, it's blunt and easy to see. In other cases, it takes on the upwards of 20-30+ years to see the damage it's done on the inside. God has not asked me to make peace with this cancer in our lives. Cancer has resulted from our brokenness, from darkness, from the Serpent himself. I'm not called to make peace with the Enemy. God has asked me to make peace with Him, to make peace with His provision. This transitions to my next revelation.
I've succumbed to asking God that simplistic, small minded question. "Why?" I hoped I would never fall that far. I believe asking why is acceptable. Wallowing in the why, however, is asking for spiritual death. Most often I find myself asking that question in reference to the well being of our sons. Making peace with what the Lord has in store for them has been a battle. Their involuntary participation is a massive source of Ryan's guilt. We both ask why God has allowed their involvement. If Ryan couldn't help raise them, why would He allow their heartbreak? Why does this mess have to be their "normal" at such a young age? Why do they have to lose a parent?
With every fiber of my being I want to spare them from this. I was made aware of my limitations as a parent the day Ryan seized on the bathroom floor. I don't believe that will be a day any of us will forget. The circumstance was a test of ethical moral. Do I keep my focus on Ryan and attempt to bring him back to life, or do I shield the boys from the trauma of what they are watching unfold? Am I going to be a wife right now or a mommy? I was completely torn in half watching all the stages of Ryan's seizure while also hearing the boys screaming in the back round. Their security was shaken that day and continues to be. Since that day, each time Ryan tells them no, they receive it as a stark rejection of a deep need. Their need to be known, comforted, and covered with grace. Ryan cannot fulfill these needs in them. He hasn't been able to since they were babies. This is so hard to expect young toddlers to understand.
For a long time I felt we had failed them, like they lost their trust in us as their caretakers. I was reminded of my true place as a mom. I shouldn't be the source in which all their trust lies. God must be that main source to them. I've done a lot of praying, praying that God would enter their little minds and hearts with great power and reassurance. There is too much out of my control. A small part of my role may be to keep them safe, but it's ultimately to follow God's leading on how He wants them raised in awareness of His presence. There is always a purpose in what He allows. I've just really struggled understanding that purpose when Ryan can't always be my partner in raising them. It certainly doesn't look too gleaming and bright right now. How could this result in something positive for the boys? My perspective is small. Just like I've never known anything different from having two kids at once, maybe they don't know anything different from what they have been living with. This might be a grace to them. I can't say.
I was compelled to re-evaluate our lives the past six years. I found a recurring theme. FAST! Life has happened at a sprint pace. The term "hit the ground running" has quite an applicable meaning in our lives. Our story has been jam-packed with LIFE! We have moved four times and have lived in three different towns in the (almost) four years we have been married. Between the two of us, we have had five different jobs. After one year of marriage, we discovered we were not only having one surprise child, but two. We bought our first home. We have now endured two brain surgeries and radiation treatment. Heck, we even got a dog for some added joy in our lives. There have been many lessons learned and adult milestones reached, but it's much more complex than just God's sense of humor.
I've always wondered why all this life has been accelerated until now. A moment of divine clarity struck again. All we know is Ryan's life will be shorter than many. This being the case, his life has been condensed into a short period of time to complete God's fulfillment within him and within our marriage. All this "life" has been God pouring His blessings on us, Ryan specifically.
I know now why the boys are walking this with us. The boys are my piece of Ryan as he was. Ryan's family will always see him in the boys. That is something special for them to cling on to as well. They carry Ryan's name and his legacy forward. I wake up in the morning because I have these sweet boys to take care of. I may not have an equal partner to help me raise them, but they don't allow too much time for me to dwell in this dark place. The Lord will fill this day to day void somehow. They're my joy. They're what keeps life moving forward one day at a time. They remind me to slow down and focus on what really matters in the grand scheme.
These little blessings are ones I hope to remember someday when the inevitable unfolds. I think this is where the Lord's desires and intentions lie as well.
I've succumbed to asking God that simplistic, small minded question. "Why?" I hoped I would never fall that far. I believe asking why is acceptable. Wallowing in the why, however, is asking for spiritual death. Most often I find myself asking that question in reference to the well being of our sons. Making peace with what the Lord has in store for them has been a battle. Their involuntary participation is a massive source of Ryan's guilt. We both ask why God has allowed their involvement. If Ryan couldn't help raise them, why would He allow their heartbreak? Why does this mess have to be their "normal" at such a young age? Why do they have to lose a parent?
With every fiber of my being I want to spare them from this. I was made aware of my limitations as a parent the day Ryan seized on the bathroom floor. I don't believe that will be a day any of us will forget. The circumstance was a test of ethical moral. Do I keep my focus on Ryan and attempt to bring him back to life, or do I shield the boys from the trauma of what they are watching unfold? Am I going to be a wife right now or a mommy? I was completely torn in half watching all the stages of Ryan's seizure while also hearing the boys screaming in the back round. Their security was shaken that day and continues to be. Since that day, each time Ryan tells them no, they receive it as a stark rejection of a deep need. Their need to be known, comforted, and covered with grace. Ryan cannot fulfill these needs in them. He hasn't been able to since they were babies. This is so hard to expect young toddlers to understand.
For a long time I felt we had failed them, like they lost their trust in us as their caretakers. I was reminded of my true place as a mom. I shouldn't be the source in which all their trust lies. God must be that main source to them. I've done a lot of praying, praying that God would enter their little minds and hearts with great power and reassurance. There is too much out of my control. A small part of my role may be to keep them safe, but it's ultimately to follow God's leading on how He wants them raised in awareness of His presence. There is always a purpose in what He allows. I've just really struggled understanding that purpose when Ryan can't always be my partner in raising them. It certainly doesn't look too gleaming and bright right now. How could this result in something positive for the boys? My perspective is small. Just like I've never known anything different from having two kids at once, maybe they don't know anything different from what they have been living with. This might be a grace to them. I can't say.
I was compelled to re-evaluate our lives the past six years. I found a recurring theme. FAST! Life has happened at a sprint pace. The term "hit the ground running" has quite an applicable meaning in our lives. Our story has been jam-packed with LIFE! We have moved four times and have lived in three different towns in the (almost) four years we have been married. Between the two of us, we have had five different jobs. After one year of marriage, we discovered we were not only having one surprise child, but two. We bought our first home. We have now endured two brain surgeries and radiation treatment. Heck, we even got a dog for some added joy in our lives. There have been many lessons learned and adult milestones reached, but it's much more complex than just God's sense of humor.
I've always wondered why all this life has been accelerated until now. A moment of divine clarity struck again. All we know is Ryan's life will be shorter than many. This being the case, his life has been condensed into a short period of time to complete God's fulfillment within him and within our marriage. All this "life" has been God pouring His blessings on us, Ryan specifically.
I know now why the boys are walking this with us. The boys are my piece of Ryan as he was. Ryan's family will always see him in the boys. That is something special for them to cling on to as well. They carry Ryan's name and his legacy forward. I wake up in the morning because I have these sweet boys to take care of. I may not have an equal partner to help me raise them, but they don't allow too much time for me to dwell in this dark place. The Lord will fill this day to day void somehow. They're my joy. They're what keeps life moving forward one day at a time. They remind me to slow down and focus on what really matters in the grand scheme.
These little blessings are ones I hope to remember someday when the inevitable unfolds. I think this is where the Lord's desires and intentions lie as well.
Copyright 2014 ->Renee Sunberg
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