High scrutiny

"Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life."--Proverbs 4:23

Someone gave me an incredibly wise piece of advice recently: Limit your voices. There is fine line between sharing too much and unintentionally exposing yourself to ridicule you don't need, or becoming a hermit, tucked away and isolated. In the past, I've been the hermit, but I was forced to make the change when our lives took a turn. I have not explored either of those extremes since and God's giving me the balance to walk a straight line...more lessons in this to come I'm sure.

I've discovered the hurts and vices of other people will still be there, despite my choices. God can work through our testimony, but belligerence still exists in pain whether it's intentional or not. It's part of the package. Many believe they have the answer to the problem regardless. I'm finding that I can carefully pick and choose who is in my life at this moment in time, hence, limiting my voices and influences. Because I have no margin for extra stress, I don't have to be someone's doormat. Who knew? I can listen, nod, then throw it out the window with the knowledge of their heart's intention. Sometimes their intention is to build up, but sometimes it's to tear down. This is why I'm writing today.

God has given me a voice to speak and words to write. Blogging is still much easier for me. The exhaustion of conversation isn't here. It's also seems to be a safer place to share because it buffers the emotions. It's not easy stuff to talk about. It's not a fluffy, heartwarming read. It's just real. However, God is providing opportunities to use my voice, not only for His good, but for my own good and the good of others directly affected by me. It's scary. It's bold, but God can work with bold.

I'm finding that the people closest, family for example, feel they have the most to say or help to offer. They are the ones we share the most with at times and, the more we invite them in, the more they see. Here is the trick. No matter how you slice it, family is never impartial. They want to protect and take on that parent role in times of struggle. I understand this now that I'm a mother myself. There will always be a side to choose, and side is usually taken with their son or daughter. It's hard to side with your own and continue to be a support to the other. Sometimes family goes so far as to support their own and turn the other into the scapegoat. This is where we are. The dukes are up and the battle is here. Our needs, our feelings, and reality have been tossed. It's heart breaking and I possess that oh-so-wonderful flight instinct. I get to feeling trapped and want no part. I'm being drug into a pit of denial that is a few decades deep with no end in sight. I'm under a microscope that I would frankly like to crush and burn. All of this is that one extra thing that I have no margin for, that one thing in my face that I should not have to be dealing with on top of what's already on my shoulders.

Before I go on, here's a challenge. Let's remember that, when someone you know is struggling, love them. Support them. Pray for them. Try to do these things without strings or extra baggage attached. The fewer words the better. Do not offer advice or bandaid inspiration in a situation you have not lived in or seen for yourself. There is a uniqueness to individual suffering. Meet them where they are. No, you can't walk a mile in their shoes, but you can walk next to them. You can enter into empathy if you are willing to brave the pain. Moving on...

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits...Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or make the tree bad and its fruit bad, for the tree is known by its fruit." Proverbs 21:23, Matthew 12:33

Satan is on the prowl, folks, dressed up as everyone who loves and supports us. It's the most deceiving and potentially damaging disguise of them all. The words and voices of those in my closest circles have inflicted the most hurt. Family should be your deepest foundation of support, not the judges in the audience. What I thought was secure suddenly isn't. Taking ten steps backwards... I'm in full trauma/protection mode. Unless an epiphany occurs in the very near future, I can healthily limit those voices in my life and surround myself with the wisdom of those with, not only great experience in pain, but with great testimonies and come-backs from pain. These people are a gift in my life. They are the ones that really hear and remember the depths. They really hear the trauma, and really walk with me. They provide help and stamina. They bring great hope to me for the simple fact that they are still standing, and their faith in the shelter of our God remains.

"There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." Proverbs 12:18

The Lord is sharpening my spiritual gift. That gift is discernment. He's making perfectly clear how crucial it is, at this time especially, to pick out the lies one by one and incinerate them on the spot. There are some things that call for resonating, and other things that aren't worth wasting a second thought on. To be perfectly honest, I've had enough thrown in my face to have a bonfire. Point being, I've had numerous opportunities to put this skill into practice. It still hurts, but it doesn't sting as badly. For this ability to be unwavering, much time must be spent in His word. I'm far from unwavering, but time spent in the Word not only provides me with the clarity to see the lies, but also helps me combat those lies with the truth. I can't store my value in what people verbalize, observe, or think anymore. I've made that mistake all too often in my life. Satan wants me to drown in guilt and shame. My security must lie elsewhere, it must lie in my Savior.

My worth is right there on the cross, not because I'm phenomenal or worthy of a physical sacrifice. On the contrary. My security can lie in the fact that I've been predestined and chosen. I am His precious child and I've been forgiven. His free gift of grace has been given to me at a great price. I choose this gift every day. I remind myself of this gift every day. There is a reason we've been chosen for this path. I may never know that reason until we meet the Lord. This all will bring great testimony to His goodness and character in our lives somehow. I can't say I wanted this weight. Even though I don't want it, I won't choose bitterness. I have not lost His favor. I do not know how He intends to preserve our hearts in this, but He has not turned His back. He has lavished His love on us in ways too numerous to explain. Our refuge is under His very wing.

God, give me the grace I don't have. God, give me patience for I am dry. God, give me capacity because my plate is full. Thank you that I'm held to a standard of grace, not perfection. Thank you for the ability and freedom to feel great pain. Thank you that it's real and there is no need for shame or guilt. Thank you for a Savior, in the flesh, that has walked through the depths here on this earth. Thank you that I can never say you don't understand. Thank you that you have given me the discernment to not only see the bait, but also the wisdom not to choose it. You are ALL good. You are gifting me with your own strength to choose against my flesh.

"God has a plan for your life. The Enemy has a plan for your life. Be prepared for both. Have wisdom enough to know which one to battle and which one to embrace."