Milestones

Do you ever have those moments where time holds still? Where your current train of thought is gone and you're suddenly stopped in your tracks? These moments last just long enough to absorb the effect of passing time and change. They bring on this beautiful escape from reality. I do everything within my power to hold on to that moment, to grasp it. But they leave me just as quick as they come, seconds maybe. Then that specific experience is gone. Even though they're gone, they have monumental impacts just in those few seconds, enough to permanently imprint my psyche.

All that aside, I have had many of these moments, but I've noticed that you have many more when children are in the picture. I had one today. Back within the first few weeks of the boys being born, I was obviously incredibly emotional from all of the hormones getting back to normal. And by normal, I mean more out of control than ever. 

I was cradling both my boys to sleep seeing how much they had already grown. I couldn't believe how fast it was all going by and getting past me. Their faces were looking more and more grown up. Their hair was so long and dark, like mine. Their clothes were shrinking by the day. I gazed at every intricate part of their tiny bodies and soaked in how beautifully made they were. Their soft little ears that folded in and out so easily, their sleeping twitches, their dreaming gummy grins, their tiny little feet, their hands that grasped everything that touched them, their far off glances in random parts of the room like angels were right there; I had never fully appreciated the depth of God's beauty in creation until I saw these two little people fully relying on me for living, breathing life. Motherhood is a BIG deal and a BIG gift! In that moment, it hit me like a MAC truck how quickly this stage would come to pass. It felt like tomorrow they would be 18, taller than me, waving goodbye, and ready to have their own adventure. I knew once that day arrived this very moment would still be fresh in my mind.

I laid them down to sleep, stroking their hair with tears streaming down my face trying to grip the moment. Oh how I was going to miss being their source of life and dependency! My sons, that the Lord grew inside of me, were strangely a part of myself that I couldn't stand to let go of in that moment. I finally understood the pure ache my own mom felt in each new transition of our lives as we grew up. Post pregnancy emotions were definitely overflowing, but I knew that this was God telling me that I had to let go. Let go of them and let go of control. Each new milestone the boys have met since have been a reminder of that moment over a year ago.

Both boys have just learned how to walk within the past week or so. I haven't had the opportunity to slow down enough to absorb how much they have grown up and how far they have come. I've been too busy trying to keep them off my kitchen table, away from the pictures on the wall, and out of my pantry. Today was a day where I couldn't wait for Ryan to get home. I was counting down the minutes. Ryan had just unlocked the door and walked inside. Then it happened. Liam, for the first time, stood up and walked as fast and as wobbly as he could to greet his daddy at the front door. Their version of greeting usually consists of hanging on your leg until you pick them up. Once eye contact is made, it's all over. They're getting their way. 

God pressed the pause button while Liam took those steps. I could hear Ryan faintly asking how my day was. It took me several seconds to process a response to what he just asked me. Words couldn't even escape my mouth before I started crying. My mind went right back to that moment I had a year ago when they were infants. I watched my "little" boy walk away from me, all the way across the room, ALL by himself! Again, I gazed at his body tensing to keep his stance. His elbows were bent at his side and his hands up like he was surrendering. His toes death-gripped the carpet with each step he took. His ankles were flexing side to side. He leaned forward the second he started teetering backwards. He controlled his pace when speed was causing him to lose his balance. His chin was tucked into his chest like it was somehow vital to his focus. All the details that went into this moment were beyond incredible. You never appreciate the fine motor skills that it takes for a human being to function until you watch someone learn them.

All of the other milestones my sons have reached haven't been nearly as difficult as this one. There is something about walking that establishes their own independence from me. They no longer need me to get them from place to place around the house or outside. They're ready to stand up and do it themselves. I know this is a perfectly normal process, but it pulls at my heart strings! I'm becoming less and less of their life source. It's one more thing that they don't need me for. What confident, brave little men I have!

Every phase the boys reach is a new stage of motherhood for me. It's another string I have to cut, another way to let go of them. This is the kind of parenting that the Lord calls us to, it's biblical. I'm responsible and accountable to Lord for how I parent the boys but, once they're on their own, well...that's just it. They're on their own, they're the Lord's children. And watching them get up and walk away is the most liberating thing I have witnessed thus far as a new mom.

Despite the difficulties that each milestone brings, it's still more than a privilege to witness them flourishing. Time fades our memories, but I know these moments will last my lifetime.

"Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes but, when you look back, everything is different..."- C.S. Lewis

Copyright 2013 ->Renee Sunberg