What if

Ryan and I have been married for 3 years today and, this must sound terrible, but it feels like we've been together for an eternity. I truly mean that in the best way possible. When I think about the present, life doesn't seem too incredibly different. It’s when I look back that I see everything has changed. It’s quite inside out and upside down. Friends, social circles, circumstances; nothing is the same.

Those of you that have witnessed what has occurred the past 5 years Ryan and I have been together can fully comprehend and understand that processing the changes that have taken place in our lives is so overwhelming and tedious at times that I put them on a shelf for a little while. The credit goes to God that we have made it through just fine and in mentally stable condition. It’s when the boys are sleeping and I’m by myself with me and all of my thoughts, when these changes actually have a chance to resonate and “catch up” with me.  When these moments hit, they hit hard.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not feeling sorry for myself. Domestic wife-ery and motherhood has been an unfathomable gift to my life and something I wouldn't ever dream of changing. I think it’s when I see our good old friends in their good old single or newly married lives with the free time to check things off their bucket list when I start to wonder if things were different. I have a momentary lapse in sensible logic and start thinking of all the things I still want to do and add things to my bucket list holding on to a sliver of hope that I will ever get around to doing just one thing that is written down.

Truthfully, in the moment, it’s entertaining getting together with old friends and looking at our life versus theirs. “What’s up with us? Oh…Ryan just got a promotion. I’m working part time. We just bought a house. We move next weekend. The boys just cut more teeth and have been keeping us up at night. The rest of our time is spent kissing their owies, keeping their hands out of toilets, and keeping them out of window wells.” Parenthood must sound so trivial to single people. Then I ask what they are up to, and I get something along these lines. “Oh I've been working full time, I’m going to be climbing several 14er’s on the weekends this summer, planning on a backpacking trip, going on a road trip to (insert exciting location here), and I’m heading back to school to get my masters degree.”

So it’s trivial parenthood next to, what appears to be, adventurous single life. Ha! Compared to that, my life is BORING in every sense of the word! My life is exciting in the sense that I’m trying to keep my kids alive and unscathed. But in this circumstance, I have to refrain from putting both my hands on my hips and tell them to quit rubbing their exciting lives in my face!

After they leave is when I inwardly and shallowly find myself feeling isolated and wishing there was more “living” to be spoken for in my life when I’m not at work. I'm not going to lie, there are times that I miss having the freedom to just go take off and do something on a whim. And truth of it is, I've always been a dreamer. God made me this way. It’s not a part of me that He is trying to break or take away. I still have a young heart and a big bucket list. I've always had big aspirations and exciting notions about what I wanted to do in my life. Marrying my best friend was just the beginning. It has indeed been an adventure, just not quite the one I expected or that God had in the plan, and sometimes I forget to keep that in perspective.

I’m a 23 year old mother of two! I never saw that coming and I've realized time and again that I’m more than okay with that! We may not have been very aware of this at the time, but getting married young like we did was a sacrifice we made, and unknowingly at the time it separated us from many of our peers. And if marriage didn't separate us enough, the surprise of twins/parenthood certainly did. We went from having all of the free time in the world to go have adventures, to our family size doubling, having absolutely no free time, both of us working, and weekends consist of cleaning and fixing up house. Our peer group is equivalent to families up to ten years older than us and their lives look a lot like ours.

God didn't give us children to take away our dreams and desires. He gave us children as a gift, to change and redirect our priorities, to paint new dreams and desires by telling us we were ready for the start of His own planned adventure for our little family. That big bucket list of mine is something that I don't need for personal fulfillment. The little things in, what seem to be, trivial moments end up being the big exciting things. And everything we could have done minus the kids, I know isn't a fraction as fulfilling, frustrating, beautiful, irritating, and rewarding as the gift of raising children. Now that’s living! It’s the most selfless kind of living there is, putting yourself on hold for the good of a person that is a part of you. Shame on me, for selling myself short! It’s something I hope our friends get to experience one day.

When I look back at my “younger years” someday, I will remember life-long memories that were made with my growing family, not pictures of the good old days. Point being, I’m never going to look back and wish for something different. Family lasts a lifetime, and it’s something to be proud of. The old days fade, as do friendships through passing time. Family is something that will continue to grow from generation to generation.

Friendship is indeed important, and we have friends in all different phases in life. I think these friendships are ones that will grow even stronger when life brings them to the point we are at now. But until that happens, we will probably be the out of control family at their weddings with 5 kids running around tearing it up further causing them to second guess having children in the first place.

Copyright 2013 ->Renee Sunberg