Grace that is sufficient

"So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

We are less than three months from December, almost a year from the beginning. The unraveling itself resonates just like yesterday. However, the spiritual path has brought us many steps forward. There is a huge contrast to who we were when this began versus now. The Lord has come alongside us. He is undoing and rebuilding us. I'm painfully aware that, in big circumstances or small, this is a constant and necessary process throughout life.

Paul discusses this "thorn in the flesh" and it's been interpreted with the possibility that Paul had a physical ailment. We may never know. He asked the Lord three times to take it away and God said no. His grace was and is enough. Ryan has a thorn in his flesh. From this tumor has resulted great mental and some physical impairment. He remains broken. His pride is continuously shattered by new limitations. Our human eyes perceive it as cruel or unfair, but our spiritual eyes know this is good. We are weak, yet we are made strong through the acknowledgement of the sufficiency of His grace.

Saturday we made a trip to the beautiful Estes park. Ryan purchased a horseback trail ride for the two of us for our fourth wedding anniversary in July. We decided we wanted to wait to go until this month when the fall colors were peaking. Horses have always been a majestic depiction of freedom to me. Not to mention they are incredibly intuitive creatures. When you are nervous, they are nervous. When you are at peace, they are at peace. When you lead with confidence, they follow and obey with confidence. That image is something I've loved since I was a little girl. I've ridden dozens of times and Ryan was so kind to gift me with something I've missed. I'm grateful we were able to enjoy this love of mine together. The rest of the day was spent rock scaling and nature exploring with the boys. It was the perfect day.

Ryan's chemo treatment started Tuesday night and ended last night. The fact that he was feeling well enough and able to enjoy a day in the mountains was a miracle. That was the first outing we've been able to enjoy as a family in a couple months. Again, I felt known by Ryan. I felt hope. But we all came off of a short high. Yesterday and today were anticlimactic. 

Me and the boys all have bronchitis. Sunday we couldn't attend church. However, not risking exposure to other children means isolation with the possibility of Ryan becoming sick at a very vulnerable point. The morning was so lonely. Ryan didn't leave bed until one in the afternoon. My anger and resentment began to build. That night, Jeremiah had an allergic reaction to his antibiotic. Many years ago my brother Eric went into anaphylaxis and I saw him lose consciousness. He was minutes from death and I stood and watched an allergist save his life. Needless to say, allergic reactions stress me out. Today was similar. I had physical therapy for the morning and we came home at twelve thirty to find Ryan still in bed. Life outside our home continued only to come back to the habitual. I lost it.

I want a partner that can participate in life. I'm mad Ryan is not that partner. Each time Ryan is able to participate he is shocked by how much his sons love him and miss him, only to repeat the same absent cycle. I'm mad that any time we get one good day, I want more. I feel tormented by a single good day and would rather not have a taste of it at all. I resent that he's allowed to indulge in the rest I so desperately need. I despise living daily life with the incredible absence of hope or physical improvement for Ryan. The final result brings hope, but the final result means losing his earthly presence. Someday this won't always be our life and it won't be what we are asked to face every morning. Honestly, I would rather live this life in solitude with our sons and with Christ as my only companion. This kills the longings of my heart, but I can only bury them for so long. The longer we wait, the more I second guess the Lord's intentions. He may have brought us light years forward, but I still have the same questions. I'm still weak. Today, God's grace was not sufficient.

"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:11-13

Paul knew deep suffering and isolation very well. When I read about the prophets in the Bible and enter into the depth of the opposition and persecution they faced, I feel I have NO right to whine. The last portion of verse thirteen doesn't have much depth until the verses prior are read and understood. Just like I stated in my last post, earthly things come second to the Kingdom. Ever since this started, I've wondered how people without Christ find contentment in any and every circumstance, specifically when dealt with cancer. The truth? They don't. We have Christ. We have the key in our hands, but we still don't always choose to look to Him or the Kingdom. Earth is our current residence, not our home, and we make daily and practical decisions that put earth in place of the Kingdom without giving it a second thought. Yes, we are free to live in thankfulness for what we are given, but it's when we begin storing our value and identity in those things that the problems roll in.

Every human being desires to put store in something long term. That could be diet and exercise to ensure long term health. That could be education to ensure job security. That could be marriage to ensure the dream of a life partner, a house, and children. When any one of those things doesn't follow the plan or is taken away, it shakes us to the core. It's the Lord looking us in the eye reminding us this is not our Kingdom, and we are not called to set roots here despite what we are given. There is nothing sure on this earth. Yet, concrete continues to be what we long for. Sometimes God chooses to heal and remove the thorns of our flesh. Sometimes He tells us no and that His grace is sufficient enough.

What is the secret to resting in contentment and being at peace with the sufficiency of God's grace in spite of this thorn called cancer? I think I know. Again, many more lessons in this are coming. Everything I stored value in here on earth has been swiftly removed. I don't put a lot of store in things or people to fill my emotional needs anymore. That path has been incredibly disappointing thus far. I hold things much more loosely than I did...oh...a few weeks ago! HUGE progress has been made. The pride of things "accomplished" is gone. Anything that is left is a gift. This keeps my heart and mind in daily humility. The secret is discovered when I not only realize the glory of the Kingdom has more to offer than anything of this world, but that I choose to be content with that reality. Job had firsthand experience in this as well. My human heart still longs for the "second things" this earth has to offer, but those are voids in which I have invited the Lord to fill. What has followed this request is incredible. The humanly impossible has occurred.

"Incline my heart to your testimonies and not to selfish gain! Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways." Psalm 119:36-37

My emotional and physical voids are being miraculously transcended by the power of Jesus Christ. This is exactly what Paul meant in 2 Corinthians 12. Not only is His grace just sufficient, it's all the more powerful in the presence of Ryan's cancer. He surpasses the imperceptible to bring a limitless hope that fulfills. By earthly standards, this state of mind is unattainable. Earthly longings taunt me when they aren't indulged. However, when I ask the Lord take hold of these desires, the One who completes the work He has started in my heart takes place of those yearnings. He replaces them with an appetite for the eternal. Life on earth isn't quite as intriguing as it once was. My feet still walk this earth without bondage to it, while my mind and heart are stored in the Kingdom. My dreams are being held loosely and submitting them isn't the mind boggling feat I thought it was. I'm handing Him the physically unfulfilled to have it eternally fulfilled instead. Wow. I can do all things through Him, who surpasses the dry pursuits of this world to illuminate my heart with the light of His perpetual glory. That is something worth storing in. Yes, I've been brought low. Yes, I'm all the more aware of my weaknesses and tormentors. But in these things, His grace has finally been made sufficient.

Copyright 2014 ->Renee Sunberg