Grace that is never-ending
Words are powerful. In fellowship with friends, the topic of dating was briefly mentioned. A friend was discussing an acquaintance being set up with a single mom. The general response was negative. The statements were not meant to single me out or inflict pain, but each opinion stated hurt the deeper parts of my heart. My inward fears took a direct hit.
I had to reason with myself. Someday, the Lord will call me to single motherhood. Someday, I will join the ranks of those that have come from broken marriages or have been widowed. Is that what onlookers will think; that I'm baggage not worth committing to because I had a past? Will I appear to be more of a burden than something worth pursuing? Will I not fit the ideal picture? I'm afraid that, indirectly, I've been told some of the answers to these questions. Heavy. Hearing other people's thoughts on this prior to it becoming my reality initially brought fear and insecurity. This is what I'm walking towards. My fear of solitude returned for a moment. My hope for a future different than this was dimmed. My faith that the Lord will fulfill His promises to me and our sons were no longer in the forefront of my mind. I feared abandonment and wanted to tuck myself away for a little while.
I've wrestled with this hurt until tonight. I received something from my grandma that I will forever hold close. It was a poem printed on a small piece of paper given to my dad's cousin, Jeanne, thirty years ago. At the time, Jeanne's husband was dying of cancer and my grandma cut this poem from a book to encourage her in a place of great pain. Jeanne, in return, gave this poem to me. She felt Grandma would have wanted me to have it at this time in my life as well. I'm deeply touched.
I've been reading a lot of words put out onto social media discussing that self respect involves making decisions that contribute to your own happiness. What happens when life deals you cancer despite your pursuit of happiness? You may gain the whole world, but lose everything that is of true value. This path is foreign to all of us and it should flip our entire approach to life upside down. The whole world focus is to find ourselves and serve ourselves. God calls us to abandon self. Knowing Him does not negate who we are. It is in Him that we uncover previously hidden facets of our hearts to find a deeper, more complete self. This comes at the great risk of pain and sacrifice.
After what was said, I felt like I was going nowhere in this world. I feared that my future would fall victim to the "first impressions" of others. But this simple poem interprets that my spiritual journey is another matter altogether. It's a steep, treacherous path, but walking in His presence will keep my footing sure. I don't have to fear because I'm clothed in His righteousness. There is no condemnation for my past. I'm designed to live in union with Christ, and it is through that union only that I'm full and complete. I'm storing less in the future God has for me on earth and storing more into the Kingdom. This brings not only pain and sacrifice, but freedom and enlightenment on the other side. More lessons in this to come I'm sure...
I had to reason with myself. Someday, the Lord will call me to single motherhood. Someday, I will join the ranks of those that have come from broken marriages or have been widowed. Is that what onlookers will think; that I'm baggage not worth committing to because I had a past? Will I appear to be more of a burden than something worth pursuing? Will I not fit the ideal picture? I'm afraid that, indirectly, I've been told some of the answers to these questions. Heavy. Hearing other people's thoughts on this prior to it becoming my reality initially brought fear and insecurity. This is what I'm walking towards. My fear of solitude returned for a moment. My hope for a future different than this was dimmed. My faith that the Lord will fulfill His promises to me and our sons were no longer in the forefront of my mind. I feared abandonment and wanted to tuck myself away for a little while.
I've wrestled with this hurt until tonight. I received something from my grandma that I will forever hold close. It was a poem printed on a small piece of paper given to my dad's cousin, Jeanne, thirty years ago. At the time, Jeanne's husband was dying of cancer and my grandma cut this poem from a book to encourage her in a place of great pain. Jeanne, in return, gave this poem to me. She felt Grandma would have wanted me to have it at this time in my life as well. I'm deeply touched.
This simple poem reads...
What God Hath Promised
God hath not promised skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through.
God hath not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow,
peace without pain.
But God hath promised strength for the day,
Rest for the laborer,
light on the way;
Grace for the trial,
help from above.
Unfailing sympathy,
Undying love.
On the back of this paper, my grandma wrote: "I like the message of this poem. Whoever wrote it is wise." Yes, Grandma, they were wise. Thank you for your passed on wisdom and encouragement. Residual impacts have come through your faithfulness. The Lord has reigned my heart back in.
"Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." 1 Corinthians 15:58
"For I will satisfy the weary soul, and every languishing soul I will replenish." Jeremiah 31:25
I've been reading a lot of words put out onto social media discussing that self respect involves making decisions that contribute to your own happiness. What happens when life deals you cancer despite your pursuit of happiness? You may gain the whole world, but lose everything that is of true value. This path is foreign to all of us and it should flip our entire approach to life upside down. The whole world focus is to find ourselves and serve ourselves. God calls us to abandon self. Knowing Him does not negate who we are. It is in Him that we uncover previously hidden facets of our hearts to find a deeper, more complete self. This comes at the great risk of pain and sacrifice.
"Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet was none of them." Psalm 139:16
After what was said, I felt like I was going nowhere in this world. I feared that my future would fall victim to the "first impressions" of others. But this simple poem interprets that my spiritual journey is another matter altogether. It's a steep, treacherous path, but walking in His presence will keep my footing sure. I don't have to fear because I'm clothed in His righteousness. There is no condemnation for my past. I'm designed to live in union with Christ, and it is through that union only that I'm full and complete. I'm storing less in the future God has for me on earth and storing more into the Kingdom. This brings not only pain and sacrifice, but freedom and enlightenment on the other side. More lessons in this to come I'm sure...
"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:17-18
To those of you I'm in fellowship with:
I do not share any of what goes on to cast in you a bad light. My intention is not to break confidentiality. I share because your words or thoughts have had deep impact, for the good, on what God is doing in my heart. I'm grateful and thank you all for being real and transparent. Nothing personal you share privately will appear on this blog.
Copyright 2014 ->Renee Sunberg
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