Grace that hears

"Because He has inclined His ear to me, I will call on Him as long as I live." Psalm 116:2

We've had three straight weeks of celebrating my 25th birthday. It's been a blast and full of blessings, rest, and peace that I needed. Ryan has showered me with love in every way he still knows how. My heart has been fuller than its been in a very long time. We went to a Tim Hawkins show this last weekend, something I've always wanted to do. Although the show was hilarious and we had some serious laughs, the evening with Ryan left me aching. One of those deep heartaches.

We arrived at this show forty five minutes early. There was plenty of time to kill. I saw it as a good opportunity to unwind and recap on each other's day. Ryan was overwhelmed by the noise as all the bodies began to flow in, so I sparked the conversation in hopes to distract him. After a minute or so of me talking, I asked him a question. Not only did I not receive a response, but I looked over to see him playing a game on his phone. He was completely zoned. I tried twice more to engage him with no success. His eyes never lifted from his phone. I was just adding to the background noise. I stopped mid-sentence, faced forward, and turned my thoughts inward.

Two months ago I would have responded in anger. I likely would have demanded his focus and eye contact. I asked God how on earth this was going to be enough. Ryan bought the tickets to celebrate with me and all he was capable of was simply showing up. All I wanted was to talk to him for that short period of time, but there wasn't much pleasure in talking with no response or acknowledgement on the other end. Internalizing wasn't what I had in mind for the evening. I didn't really date before Ryan, so I don't have much to compare this experience to, but it felt like I was on a night out with some deadbeat guy. I couldn't leave because I was his ride home. If I were not married to this man, there would not have been a second date. I've known Ryan for almost fifteen years and, although he was right there with me, I still felt alone. Awfully alone. This should not be.

Each time this kind of silence occurs, it creates a gap between us that is difficult to completely put words to but I will make an attempt. It's similar to speaking to an inattentive, bored teenager. Not only am I not being heard, but I feel as if my words don't have value or substance enough to warrant a response. I throw them out into a massive void. What is a marriage or a husband if not to speak every once in a while? There is an incredible lack of relational foreplay. Part of my insides die when I don't have someone to share my thoughts with or at least somewhere to write them down. There are periods that I have to wait weeks to process and out pour the inner workings of my heart and my mind. I can understand why those in solitary confinement would lose complete sanity.

Don't get me wrong...I know full well that Ryan cares and that he loves me. He has just lost his ability to behave in a way that reflects his interest. He has no semblance of an attention span for anything as challenging as a relationship. I wish I was the object that he could not pull his eyes away from. For so long, I've hated his books. I've hated his phone. I've hated his computer. I've hated his video games. It felt as if they stole the love I needed. Unfortunately, none of those things require the strains to maintain a suffering marriage. The internal message I took on for so long was that "I'm too much"...or..."I'm not worth the investment"...or..."I can't ever bring the pleasure that these things bring Ryan." Despite me ceaselessly repeating my needs, a day at work is all he can give us as a family, at this point. When he gets home, he needs a way and a place to shut off. All men need this and, usually, thirty minutes to an hour is sufficient before re-engaging. Here is the difference. Ryan requires multiple hours, hours I don't have to wait around. To accommodate this, I've had to learn to self operate. This is not normal and has been the routine for the entire length of our marriage. Thankfully, now I know why. I've been given, not only understanding, but grace. I've been freed by the power forgiveness.

Over the past several weeks, it's been difficult to miss the fact that Ryan is losing his mental filter. He says exactly what he's thinking in that moment. Most the time what he blurts out is inappropriate, perverted, rude, and or inaccurate. He puts it out there no matter who is in his audience, including our sons. I saw this for the millionth time after the show was over and we were driving home. He was angry people weren't using the crosswalk. He was angry that I let a vehicle back out in front of me that had been waiting for several minutes. He was angry that I didn't turn into the lane that he would have turned into. That's the famous phrase: "I would do this (insert a contradictory instruction here)." I understand  that much of this struggle comes from his own feelings of inadequacy. I honestly can't fathom being a male and not being able to drive your date somewhere, much less your wife. A lot of identity is wrapped up in that. Unfortunately, his temperamental commentary sent an already mediocre night spiraling further downhill.

Reserve stood between us as we arrived home. I thanked Ryan for the night and that was about it. I laid quiet in bed as Ryan was content to read his book. By the time he turned his light out, I felt the pain of stillness become physical. Internally, I felt I might explode. When this happens, I often shut my heart off to cope with and dull the ache. It's similar to losing consciousness. All of your body's reserves have to shut down to keep your vitals functioning. Clarity struck. I had to draw into the open arms of Jesus Christ. My need for Him grows more and more. He possessed the focus I needed. He inclined His ear to me and, not only is He eager to speak His life into me, He is always eager to listen to His child. With His spirit and His Word, I was filled. I'm so relieved to know there is no silence or solitary confinement in the presence of the King.

"My soul yearns for you in the night; my spirit within me earnestly seeks you. For when your judgments are in the earth, the inhabitants of the world learn righteousness." Isaiah 26:9

Christ not only listens, but He brings volume and depth to my internal thoughts and my words. As Ryan fades, Christ grows bigger inside of me. In the loss of my spouse, my friend, I gain the fulfillment of God. What a trade.

"Consider the ravens: They neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!" Luke 12:24

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of His glory He may grant you to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith- that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever, Amen." Ephesians 3:14-21

Copyright 2014 ->Renee Sunberg

The blind artist, Ginny Owens, playing piano and singing Be Thou My Vision...beautiful.