Detours ahead

"For you are my rock and my fortress; and for your name's sake you lead me and guide me;" 

Psalm 31:3

Marriage is an incredible thing. God was right on when He designed it. I have several favorite things about marriage (naked Saturday's...before children, being a favorite), but I think what I love first and foremost was my ability to trust Ryan to direct and lead me. There are many aspects to this. One of them was that I could always rely on him to get us to where we were going when traveling. This absolutely took some trial and error.

When we planned our wedding, we decided to travel out of the country for our honeymoon. We chose Italy. My extended family were Italian immigrants so, needless to say, I was excited to experience that culture. We knew a few basic phrases and chose to travel to tourist towns where English was the middle language. This was a stupidly bold move for two very strong willed people. Traveling abroad was far from the wistful experience we thought it would be. As a matter of fact, the first two days were a train wreck.

Navigating through airports was not a challenge. It was once we arrived to Italy that the problems began. We purchased tickets to take a train to Rome. Ryan insisted that we get off the train at an obscure stop, thinking it was the right one. We did and, sure enough, it was the wrong stop. After over twenty hours of travel, all I wanted to do was get to our hotel and go to sleep. We had to wait two hours for the next train that could take us through to our hotel. Three hot and sweaty hours later (not the fun honeymoon kind of hot and sweaty) we finally arrived at the correct stop. We had a map that could direct us to our hotel from there.

Ryan was the driver of the map. He insisted that he had it handled after the first mishap. We left the train stop and, unbeknown to us, we headed the completely opposite direction of our hotel. Ryan took us three miles out of our way to find this mysteriously missing building, dragging our luggage and all. Let me remind you that July in Rome is not pleasant, especially for two dessert dwellers like ourselves. I just don't do humidity. My gray t-shirt was soaked in sweat. The nicer part of town quickly turned into a not-so-nice part of town. We may as well have worn stamps on our foreheads that said, "Rob us. We're tourists." Once people stopped speaking English, I threw down my suitcase, sat on it, went into a tearful, swearing rant, and stated that I wasn't taking another step until he called the hotel to get directions.

After several minutes of cringing and listening to Ryan trying to understand the desk clerk on the phone, I took matters into my own hands and stormed back to the train station where we started. Ryan was attempting to catch up. In hindsight, being a young female and going solo in a foreign country probably wasn't my brightest move, but I highly doubt I would have been an object of prey to anyone because my face was so distorted by rage. On the way, I saw a street sign that pointed me right to the hotel...the hotel that was standing around sixty yards behind the train stop. I could have hit it with a rock. I also could have hit Ryan with a rock, but that's beside the point. It occurred to me that he had been looking at the map upside down the whole time.

I had a frank conversation explaining that, whoever was the driver of the map, had to know exactly when and where we were going from then on, especially in a foreign country. After this little experience, the rest of the trip went smoothly. We tackled the subway system in Rome and the boat taxis in Venice with ease. Ryan learned quickly that I had to feel safe and be able to trust him. This same need continued to play out in our marriage.

Now let me spam you with pictures...

Throwing it back to the Vatican

Definitely more pleasant losing your way in Venice

The view from our hotel room window

Exploring the Doge's Palace in St. Mark's Square

If I didn't know what turn to take, Ryan always did. He was a gentleman. He drove when the weather was poor and when the roads were bad. He drove in the dark when my eyes were tired. He also drove to new and unfamiliar destinations. I grew to rest in confidence that he would get us to where we were going.

When we were told he wasn't able to drive for months at a time between seizures last year, it was a huge blow to the both of us. Especially in light of the fact that the seizures have not stopped. Our routine was turned on its head. Ryan loved to drive and that is a huge freedom  to have taken away. Young or old, it hurts. I became comfortable sitting in the passenger seat, and I was forced to become the chauffeur. I was out of practice and had to re-learn confident driving to unfamiliar destinations. So many good memories and conversations we had were in the car, but the role reversal was messy and took some time for both of us to adjust to.

We've found a semi-peaceful medium. Over the past several months I've reached a place in which I'm confident in my sense of direction again and more familiar with different highways and back roads. But too often, when I'm pressured by an opposing opinion inside the car, my tendency is to cave. Driving has a way of bringing out personality flaws...go figure.

Two weeks ago we were on our way home from the mountains. I knew exactly how to travel home and which highway to take. At the time, there were construction and detour signs everywhere. The signs overwhelmed and startled Ryan as we approached them. He insisted we make a wrong turn. Despite my reassurance, Ryan's insistence turned to aggressive behavior and intimidation. Because the boys were in our audience, I complied to keep things civil. Doing this did not sit right with me. Ignoring the objection, I turned into a parking lot and stopped to silently absorb what just happened. I took a wrong turn to avoid conflict. Boy, does that translate to life.

My inaudible thoughts went something like this: "Renee, this has to stop! You will not always have a human voice directing you. Ryan's grasp on directions are becoming less and less. His initiative was a gift while it lasted. You knew where to go. Even before Ryan is gone physically, you need to be able to function on a daily basis as a capable human being."

The reality of these thoughts were heavy. I chose to practice and I turned around to head in the correct direction. I could and can continue to rest in the Lord's direction as it applies to the eternal and the smallest of the day to day. I could forgive and carry on with grace to better love my husband and children well for the day. The Lord has given me what I need to stand firm in truth and in preparation for the life that is ahead of me.

Copyright 2014 ->Renee Sunberg