Emotional limitations

"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise." 

Psalm 51:16-17

I feel like just now we are starting to dig deeper into the past because it clearly explains how we are responding to the present. I've made many personal gains, but I'm sad to see Ryan stationary.  Four years of the "same" is breaking me and breaking him. I want to share in progress with him, but he can't celebrate with me. A couple weeks ago I hit some emotional walls that I just couldn't seem to get past. I couldn't answer questions that were trying to get down to the bottom of the issue. I knew there was a problem, I just didn't know what that problem was. Well, by no doing of my own, I've had a crucial breakthrough that the Lord wanted to see.

Here is a little bit of backround because it directly relates to my life. My mom and dad were both the first children of their families to accept Jesus into their lives. My parents never had to tell me there were issues in their families because it was very obvious to me from a young age. There was alcohol abuse, drug abuse (street and prescription), statutory rape and prison (sexual abuse), and neglect. There have been many breakthroughs in both sides of the family since mine and my parents childhood.

My parents met at Colorado State University, married, and were saved after the still birth of their firstborn son, my brother Jason. My parent's story specifically was a story of God's great redemption and I was proud of their courage to trail blaze a new path for their own family. Me and my brothers were raised in a strong Christ-centered home.

I was and still am very strong willed. I was very opinionated and authoritative. I usually had good intention, but it rarely came across that way. Once you got past my will, it was easy to see that I was a very keen listener and observer. Behind everything else, I had a very tender heart. Because of what I watched unfold in extended family growing up, I took it as a deep reflection of what was in me. I possessed the same weakness. It was generational. After I accepted Christ, I made the decision to live a life polar opposite of past failures. I was under massive bondage to my own standard. Life became an endless pursuit to alter myself. I projected my insecurities on Christ. He was wrathful and angry in my eyes. The truth was I was wrathful on myself. I don't believe I ever learned how to accept God's gift of grace, despite what I was taught.

The ramifications of my self control resulted in deep self image issues. I remember the struggle beginning when I was seven years old. This continued to amplify in middle school and high school. There were two friendships that I had during this time frame that started out as a positive experience. But gossip and insecurity entered in from each end of the triangle. These relationships imploded and became toxic. I had to let go and separate myself. It was absolutely the right decision, but I turned this into a bad habit. I began cutting anyone out of my life that questioned my integrity. Someone questioning everything I had killed myself working for was the uprooting of my self imposed existence and purpose. I received it as a reflection of what was still wrong with me, which resulted in more self hatred and more attempts at self improvement. I was my own enemy.

I remember the oh-so-wonderful 'Teen Advisors' coming to youth events discussing sexual abstinence, and drug and alcohol abstinence. Almost every teen that shared their personal experience with one or all of these addictions, were come back kids just like my parents. There were many consequences to their past actions, but they were redeemed by God's grace. This all appeared glamorous to me. I never engaged in any of these sins growing up. I wasn't doing what my peers were so cavalier about experimenting in. I wasn't suffering the consequences because I wasn't falling victim to the sin in the first place. Guess what? It wasn't glamorous. I may not have been outwardly indulging in the sin, but inwardly I was. My heart and mind were just as capable of darkness as the next person. I didn't know how to change my heart and I hated myself as a result of not accepting God's grace in my own life.

As I have mentioned prior to this, Ryan had his first brain surgery when we were engaged. I was terrified. I remember being reassured by his family that this tumor wouldn't affect his life, that everything was going to be fine, that everything would reach normalcy again. I still regret that I believed what I was told and didn't seek the truth. It cost me great pain further down the path. Six months later we stood in front of 220 people and said our vows. I was proud that I stood at the alter sexually pure. I broke the chains of my family's past that day. Everything I fought for was accomplished. For once, I felt like everything was right.

The problems with Ryan began three months after we got married. Ryan was spending our money without telling me. I made spreadsheets of our budget and discussed over and over, with Ryan's agreement, what we could spend and what we couldn't. We agreed to always discuss financial decisions with each other. All of this was to no avail. It was when we were on the verge of bankruptcy that I got my first job. I took Ryan's dishonesty and compulsive money spending as my responsibility and worked from 6a.m.-6p.m. four, sometimes five days a week. The lies about his school attendance surfaced when he failed his first semester after we married. On top of exhausting work hours, I took it upon myself to help Ryan with his homework and paper assignments. With my help, he was receiving well above average grades in his classes. I helped him up until midterms, then I pulled my hands out and asked him to pull his own weight. By the end of each semester he had failed out again. Ryan stopped attending church with me. Church was a huge part of both our lives and I was shocked to see him give it up for a couple extra hours of sleep. Ryan hit me for the first time six months after we married. This is when my anxiety and depression hit hard. This was NOT the man I married. What had I done? What did I miss?

I was relieved when I became pregnant. I thought surely being a father would turn his ways. But it didn't. Ryan became even more absent. I could not make sense of Ryan's behavior so I blamed myself. It was easier and it was what I had been doing my whole life. I did everything I could to self search and self improve until there was no rock left unturned.

I felt deep anger and disrespect towards Ryan because I took responsibility for everything he did or didn't do. I lied for him. I painted the pretty picture for everyone we knew. I did all this only to see him continue in the same behavior. Resentment was an understatement. Before Ryan's seizure last December, I had given up. I couldn't put on the smile anymore. We had been in the same rut for three and a half years and his abuse progressed. I was silent in our struggle. Many of the things I journaled or posted were a mask for the mess behind the scenes. I couldn't admit our marriage was failing. I was a product of my parents wisdom and redemption and here I was in a broken union, crumbling on stage in front an audience. I was drowning in guilt and shame. I came to terms with the fact that I was just like everyone before me. I was weak.

When we finally had an explanation to Ryan's behavior, my world was rocked. Suddenly none of Ryan's actions were my fault or his. It was out of my control from the beginning and it was never my responsibility to take on. All that time I spent loathing myself was senseless. Everything I worked for amounted to nothing. God's will, once again, prevailed over mine. I lived my whole life in avoidance of pain, and pain made it's grandest entrance into our lives.

We know now that this tumor will not only affect Ryan's life, but that it will eventually take Ryan's life, aside from the resurrecting power of Jesus. The second I saw that tumor grown back on the MRI, I wanted to claim responsibility. I wanted to blame myself for not questioning Ryan's behavior. I wanted to blame myself for his eventual passing. In that moment, the right and wrong decisions were made clear. The right decision was to choose God's grace. I had to forgive myself because He had already forgiven me. I was bare. The white tablecloth was gone and all imperfections were exposed.

After Job had lost all ten of his children, all his livestock and possessions, and was struck with sores from head to toe, his wife promptly stated, "Curse God and die." (Job 1-2) Just like I struggle to enter into the depth of Ryan's despair, I struggle relating to Job's specific situation. I don't have cancer. The struggle of Job's wife, however, hits closer to home. Her plea of despair isn't all that absurd. Let's review. She lost all of her children, her wealth, her husband's position of power, and her husband's health was failing. She lost everything on this earth that gave her security. Naturally, we place our security and identity in the life we build on earth. We get comfortable. What does our life amount to when it's all taken away? How do we measure our worth then? In all my humanness, I have the same capacity to grow a hard heart from the numerous layers and depth of this loss.

Because this tumor has impacted many of Ryan's actions, I chose to mask and ignore the pain it caused. Instead, I sought out ways to validate that his actions were normal, when in fact they weren't. It was easier. It was the only way I could reason with what was done. It was the only way I could live with myself. Here is something I never thought would happen: I've finally forgiven Ryan. I've finally forgiven myself. But I choose to no longer deny the pain and damage that all of it has done. Whether I believed it or not at the time, that pain was piercing and real, and it infected me for years. Just like God has given me freedom from my own bondage, He has given me freedom to hurt. Let me tell you, pain is the most terrifying thing to enter into and it's new to me, but I know and see this pain being redeemed. It can't be avoided in this life and will inevitably continue, but there is another side to it. I was blinded to that other side prior to this.

The root issues of my distrust, my resentment, my fear of intimacy, and my self hatred are all being uprooted one day at a time. Why? Because I asked God to put my heart back together. I don't want a dump load of baggage after Ryan goes home, and that's not what the Lord wants for me either. I don't want a hard heart and the Lord is completing a renovation inside of me. He is answering my prayers in every detail, beyond my deepest hopes or imagination.

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26


Copyright 2014 ->Renee Sunberg