Grace that answers
Tuesday night I had a dream that Ryan had his routine MRI done. In reality, these MRI's happen every three months to see how the tumor is responding to chemo. In that dream, the MRI revealed that Ryan's tumor was gone, but the gaping resection cavity in the front right quarter of his brain remained present. The tumor was gone, but the side effects were everlasting. I was so angry. I was angry that the Lord would leave all of us bound to this impairment permanently. All hope for some sense of sanity in daily life was gone.
This dream interpreted my greatest fears. Fear of this being all encompassing. Fear that this pain will be forever.
Ryan had his routine MRI and appointment the morning after that dream. Yes, I was anxious to see if this dream would become a reality. I was expecting some sort of miraculous God sighting beyond the doctor's comprehension followed by great bondage to the dysfunction we're living in now. God revealed the contrary.
As I've explained before, the purpose of chemo is to shrink the blood flow around the tumor causing the tumor to appear radiopaque (dark) on an MRI. Ideally, this is what we would like to see because it shows the chemotherapy is doing its job and the tumor is responding positively to treatment.
The the contrast dye for the MRI showed three radiolucent (white) areas located near the remainder of Ryan's tumor. The fact that these areas were bright white indicates substantial blood flow increase. The neurologist was very puzzled at this finding and gave us two possible explanations. One being that the tumor is attempting to grow again, and or there is increased and very localized seizure activity. Obviously neither of these explanations is good and, usually, the two go hand in hand. Either way increased blood flow to the tumor area is the opposite of what the doctor expected to see after 5 months of chemotherapy and radiation.
Next month another MRI will be done to have something to compare to. Between now and then Ryan's neurologist will be consulting the "tumor board" regarding Ryan's case. We should know more then.
As the doctor showed us these unfortunate results, I could hear the Lord's voice clear as day ringing in my ears reminding me this will not be forever. Ryan will not be permanently bound to this earth in his current state. He reminded me that He is all knowing. He reassured me that He has heard our cries for mercy and that He's unraveling the answer to our prayers. He promised to continue laying His hand on our family. He made clear to me that our time has been and continues to be precious.
There was relief and sorrow. All we have left is Christ to lean on. He has removed all other options of reliance and security. This is a blessing. Our God is beyond the comprehension of even the most educated human beings. The sorrow came in the arrival of the long awaited answer to our prayers. We suspected this avenue, but it's difficult regardless because it seems to be here. The Lord has prepared us to hear and approach each new difficult step in this journey.
While He prepares us for the next steps, I'm reassured. We have entered into deeper levels of grief. The most difficult of grief have been and will be before Ryan leaves this earth. I think of David in the Word. Specifically when his first son, born by Bathsheba, became sick and died. Nathan was sent by the Lord to David to deliver this news to him prior to the child's death. David was utterly burdened and sought God on behalf of that child. For seven days he fasted. For seven days he wouldn't rise from the floor. We are on the floor feeling starved of life. Yet, we no longer feel like we are waiting for something that seemed an eternity away. There is light just around the corner. Ryan was relieved at this news. He is anxious to enter into the room the Lord has prepared for him in the Kingdom. He is anxious to be free of this earthly body. To see him live in this mindset daunts me. How different would life be if we longed to be with the Lord every single day we were here on earth?
I never wanted to know what I would do if life took a turn in this direction. I never wanted to see who I would be without Ryan here. I'm scared of how this will all unfold. Even though I can't hardly find it in myself to keep living the way we are at this moment, I'm terrified of anything different than what I've known for the past six and a half years.
I've had visions of the future. I like to call them collisions with the Almighty. These visions don't seem fair to have prior to Ryan's passing. I've questioned them. I've questioned God's objective in entrusting me with these visions. For right now, He's making me all the more aware of my tiny perspective. It's clear, again, that I don't have the capacity and must lay down what I've been given. What I've been given is a future that He's preparing me for. I'm not ready for this future yet, but I can rest in the fact that it's well taken care of.
In the meantime, we are clenching each and every precious moment. We are overflowing with thankfulness for all the Lord has done, for the relationships He has built around us, and the beautiful and difficult moments in which He arrives with piercing clarity and power.
This dream interpreted my greatest fears. Fear of this being all encompassing. Fear that this pain will be forever.
Ryan had his routine MRI and appointment the morning after that dream. Yes, I was anxious to see if this dream would become a reality. I was expecting some sort of miraculous God sighting beyond the doctor's comprehension followed by great bondage to the dysfunction we're living in now. God revealed the contrary.
As I've explained before, the purpose of chemo is to shrink the blood flow around the tumor causing the tumor to appear radiopaque (dark) on an MRI. Ideally, this is what we would like to see because it shows the chemotherapy is doing its job and the tumor is responding positively to treatment.
The the contrast dye for the MRI showed three radiolucent (white) areas located near the remainder of Ryan's tumor. The fact that these areas were bright white indicates substantial blood flow increase. The neurologist was very puzzled at this finding and gave us two possible explanations. One being that the tumor is attempting to grow again, and or there is increased and very localized seizure activity. Obviously neither of these explanations is good and, usually, the two go hand in hand. Either way increased blood flow to the tumor area is the opposite of what the doctor expected to see after 5 months of chemotherapy and radiation.
Next month another MRI will be done to have something to compare to. Between now and then Ryan's neurologist will be consulting the "tumor board" regarding Ryan's case. We should know more then.
As the doctor showed us these unfortunate results, I could hear the Lord's voice clear as day ringing in my ears reminding me this will not be forever. Ryan will not be permanently bound to this earth in his current state. He reminded me that He is all knowing. He reassured me that He has heard our cries for mercy and that He's unraveling the answer to our prayers. He promised to continue laying His hand on our family. He made clear to me that our time has been and continues to be precious.
There was relief and sorrow. All we have left is Christ to lean on. He has removed all other options of reliance and security. This is a blessing. Our God is beyond the comprehension of even the most educated human beings. The sorrow came in the arrival of the long awaited answer to our prayers. We suspected this avenue, but it's difficult regardless because it seems to be here. The Lord has prepared us to hear and approach each new difficult step in this journey.
While He prepares us for the next steps, I'm reassured. We have entered into deeper levels of grief. The most difficult of grief have been and will be before Ryan leaves this earth. I think of David in the Word. Specifically when his first son, born by Bathsheba, became sick and died. Nathan was sent by the Lord to David to deliver this news to him prior to the child's death. David was utterly burdened and sought God on behalf of that child. For seven days he fasted. For seven days he wouldn't rise from the floor. We are on the floor feeling starved of life. Yet, we no longer feel like we are waiting for something that seemed an eternity away. There is light just around the corner. Ryan was relieved at this news. He is anxious to enter into the room the Lord has prepared for him in the Kingdom. He is anxious to be free of this earthly body. To see him live in this mindset daunts me. How different would life be if we longed to be with the Lord every single day we were here on earth?
I never wanted to know what I would do if life took a turn in this direction. I never wanted to see who I would be without Ryan here. I'm scared of how this will all unfold. Even though I can't hardly find it in myself to keep living the way we are at this moment, I'm terrified of anything different than what I've known for the past six and a half years.
I've had visions of the future. I like to call them collisions with the Almighty. These visions don't seem fair to have prior to Ryan's passing. I've questioned them. I've questioned God's objective in entrusting me with these visions. For right now, He's making me all the more aware of my tiny perspective. It's clear, again, that I don't have the capacity and must lay down what I've been given. What I've been given is a future that He's preparing me for. I'm not ready for this future yet, but I can rest in the fact that it's well taken care of.
In the meantime, we are clenching each and every precious moment. We are overflowing with thankfulness for all the Lord has done, for the relationships He has built around us, and the beautiful and difficult moments in which He arrives with piercing clarity and power.
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." 1 Peter 5:6-10
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My brave little boys were the first to ride the horse at Guiding Hope Farm here in Berthoud.
Copyright 2014 ->Renee Sunberg
Copyright 2014 ->Renee Sunberg
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