Mommyhood Unrefined

"Because He has inclined His ear to me, I will call on Him as long as I live." Psalm 116:2 We've had three straight weeks of celebrating my 25th birthday. It's been a blast and full of blessings, rest, and peace that I needed. Ryan has showered me with love in every way he still knows how. My heart has been fuller than its been in a very long time. We went to a Tim Hawkins show this last weekend, something I've always wanted to do. Although the show was hilarious and we had some serious laughs, the evening with Ryan left me aching. One of those deep heartaches. We arrived at this show forty five minutes early. There was plenty of time to kill. I saw it as a good opportunity to unwind and recap on each other's day. Ryan was overwhelmed by the noise as all the bodies began to flow in, so I sparked the conversation in hopes to distract him. After a minute or so of me talking, I asked him a question. Not only did I not receive a response, but I looked over t

"For you are my rock and my fortress; and for your name's sake you lead me and guide me;"  Psalm 31:3 Marriage is an incredible thing. God was right on when He designed it. I have several favorite things about marriage (naked Saturday's...before children, being a favorite), but I think what I love first and foremost was my ability to trust Ryan to direct and lead me. There are many aspects to this. One of them was that I could always rely on him to get us to where we were going when traveling. This absolutely took some trial and error. When we planned our wedding, we decided to travel out of the country for our honeymoon. We chose Italy. My extended family were Italian immigrants so, needless to say, I was excited to experience that culture. We knew a few basic phrases and chose to travel to tourist towns where English was the middle language. This was a stupidly bold move for two very strong willed people. Traveling abroad was far from the wistful experience w

Have you ever had one of those moments as a mom when you stand in stunned silence trying to absorb the level of destruction that one or two little children have rendered on your entire house? I had one of those moments this morning. Let me preface with the fact that I've been incredibly sick the past month. I just had a regression over the weekend and I can't hardly talk my throat is so sore. Needless to say, I've been in an exhausted haze. Waking up before eight in the morning has been a challenge. What I find behind the boy's bedroom door in the morning sets the mood for the entire day. It's a defining moment. Will my children behave like angels or hellions? This morning I was surprised to wake up looking at a clock that said 8:45! I tore the covers off only to hear silence across the hallway. When you become a parent, silence doesn't bring peace. It induces panic. I whipped open my door to find that the boys bedroom door was open and their bedroom was not

I'm a perpetual purger. I have a deep need to clean the slate throughout my house every two to three months. It drives Ryan nuts...understandably. Honestly, it's a blessing and  a curse. The latest project of mine has been to organize and order the basement. We have only lived here a year and it's already full. There is one room I've avoided touching or purging for months and I've been forced to face it. The shelves of our laundry room are stacked to the ceiling with boxes of the boy's clothes and other accessories that I've saved in hopes there would be another child down the road. Since Ryan started chemotherapy and radiation, I have known that a third child may never come. This level of loss has taken me much more time to submit. I have to say that, despite my endless nausea, I LOVED being pregnant. When those boys grew inside of me, I felt my purpose as a woman was finally fulfilled. I was made to bring forth life. It was miraculous feeling kicking,

"So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 We are less than three months from December, almost a year from the beginning. The unraveling itself resonates just like yesterday. However, the spiritual path has brought us many steps forward. There is a huge contrast to who we were when this began versus now. The Lord has come alongside us. He is undoing and rebuilding us. I'

Words are powerful. In fellowship with friends, the topic of dating was briefly mentioned. A friend was discussing an acquaintance being set up with a single mom. The general response was negative. The statements were not meant to single me out or inflict pain, but each opinion stated hurt the deeper parts of my heart. My inward fears took a direct hit. I had to reason with myself. Someday, the Lord will call me to single motherhood. Someday, I will join the ranks of those that have come from broken marriages or have been widowed. Is that what onlookers will think; that I'm baggage not worth committing to because I had a past? Will I appear to be more of a burden than something worth pursuing? Will I not fit the ideal picture? I'm afraid that, indirectly, I've been told some of the answers to these questions. Heavy. Hearing other people's thoughts on this prior to it becoming my reality initially brought fear and insecurity. This is what I'm walking towards. My f

Trula Frances (Mineer) Thompson "A good and faithful servant." 10/26/28-08/29/14 I watched my sweet Grandma Thompson breathe her last breath here on earth this evening. I received a text from my dad explaining there wasn't much time left. Both the boys are sick and Ryan was at his parents watching the CSU/CU football game. I wasn't going to go to the nursing home initially because of the logistics. But as I sat on the couch after I heard this news, I remembered how much I loved spending one-on-one time with Grandma. Those moments were rare, but they were special. My dad's parents never knew how to love or invest in us the way we wanted or needed, but my Grandma put forth much effort to love and invest in me individually. Even though she didn't remember me for many years, she had more depth than I gave her credit for at times. I couldn't sit at home in good conscience while she passed, so I dropped the boys with Ryan and his family so I could pay m

"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise."  Psalm 51:16-17 I feel like just now we are starting to dig deeper into the past because it clearly explains how we are responding to the present. I've made many personal gains, but I'm sad to see Ryan stationary.  Four years of the "same" is breaking me and breaking him. I want to share in progress with him, but he can't celebrate with me. A couple weeks ago I hit some emotional walls that I just couldn't seem to get past. I couldn't answer questions that were trying to get down to the bottom of the issue. I knew there was a problem, I just didn't know what that problem was. Well, by no doing of my own, I've had a crucial breakthrough that the Lord wanted to see. Here is a little bit of backround because it directly relates to my life.

I've composed and shared some very heavy thoughts and realities over the last month. I don't regret them, but I thought I would share a funny moment I had the other day to prove that I still have a sense of humor. Whenever Ryan buys us groceries he always tends to surprise me with some sort of indulgent treat because, let's face it, brain cancer is tough. We might as well enjoy something together. Well, this time he bought a half gallon of Blue Bell Southern Peach Cobbler heaven-to-my-mouth ice cream and I decided to enjoy some to myself. Ryan was gone at work and I had just laid the boys down for their nap. Two hours to myself is the most glorious part of my day. I decided to partake in some of this amazing ice cream, because it's never too early for ice cream! As I was scooping out this ice cream into a bowl, there was an unfortunate misfire. A spoonful hit the floor. I sat for several seconds debating if I should pick up the ice cream, toss it, and clean up the

Tuesday night I had a dream that Ryan had his routine MRI done. In reality, these MRI's happen every three months to see how the tumor is responding to chemo. In that dream, the MRI revealed that Ryan's tumor was gone, but the gaping resection cavity in the front right quarter of his brain remained present. The tumor was gone, but the side effects were everlasting. I was so angry. I was angry that the Lord would leave all of us bound to this impairment permanently. All hope for some sense of sanity in daily life was gone. This dream interpreted my greatest fears. Fear of this being all encompassing. Fear that this pain will be forever. Ryan had his routine MRI and appointment the morning after that dream. Yes, I was anxious to see if this dream would become a reality. I was expecting some sort of miraculous God sighting beyond the doctor's comprehension followed by great bondage to the dysfunction we're living in now. God revealed the contrary. As I've explain

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. For we know that if the tent that is our healthy home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling, if indeed by putting it on we may not be found naked. For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened-not that we would be unclothed, but that we would  be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by LIFE. He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee." 2 Corinthians 4:16-5:5 We all know the body is made up of

The further sharpening of my spiritual gift of discernment: I'm starkly aware of the Satan's battle for my heart. He is taking desperate measures to ensnare us. He continues to speak through people. I see him in the daily battle with our sons. Their anxiety is growing. My anxiety is growing. Every little thing I choose to read, every place I go, he's there waiting and the traps have been set. His battle for me is becoming physical. My heart rate is up. My right eye has had a twitch for weeks. My hand tremors are back. The struggle to keep a meal down is grueling. This battle cannot be left to the mentally impaired or the innocent. Yet, every decision I make directly affects my husband and our sons. My reserves were gone two months ago. When the daily battle reaches new depths, I retreat. I isolate. I repeat this habit all the time. It's what I've always known in the past. I'm not to the extreme yet, but I'm well on my way. Moments I venture to invite help

"He rescues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:18 We've been walking this road for 8 months now. It seems like this all began yesterday, but it's felt like an eternity. To be honest, we're both dreading the fact that there is 9 more months of this. Everyone says it's just a phase. The reality is that, chemo or not, Ryan's long term symptoms aren't likely to change or be relieved in some drastic way. The chemo related symptoms are temporary. But the hole in his head is bigger than the first time. He's had a second and equally massive head trauma from surgery. The remainder of the tumor is in a more dangerous and lethal location. And his personality will continues to change. No medication can change any of these realities. The only thing medication can aid in is the retardation of the tumor. That tumor will always be there, unless God miraculously takes this all away. Our only hope of daily survival and heart preservation lies in