Mommyhood Unrefined

Trula Frances (Mineer) Thompson "A good and faithful servant." 10/26/28-08/29/14 I watched my sweet Grandma Thompson breathe her last breath here on earth this evening. I received a text from my dad explaining there wasn't much time left. Both the boys are sick and Ryan was at his parents watching the CSU/CU football game. I wasn't going to go to the nursing home initially because of the logistics. But as I sat on the couch after I heard this news, I remembered how much I loved spending one-on-one time with Grandma. Those moments were rare, but they were special. My dad's parents never knew how to love or invest in us the way we wanted or needed, but my Grandma put forth much effort to love and invest in me individually. Even though she didn't remember me for many years, she had more depth than I gave her credit for at times. I couldn't sit at home in good conscience while she passed, so I dropped the boys with Ryan and his family so I could pay m

"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise."  Psalm 51:16-17 I feel like just now we are starting to dig deeper into the past because it clearly explains how we are responding to the present. I've made many personal gains, but I'm sad to see Ryan stationary.  Four years of the "same" is breaking me and breaking him. I want to share in progress with him, but he can't celebrate with me. A couple weeks ago I hit some emotional walls that I just couldn't seem to get past. I couldn't answer questions that were trying to get down to the bottom of the issue. I knew there was a problem, I just didn't know what that problem was. Well, by no doing of my own, I've had a crucial breakthrough that the Lord wanted to see. Here is a little bit of backround because it directly relates to my life.

I've composed and shared some very heavy thoughts and realities over the last month. I don't regret them, but I thought I would share a funny moment I had the other day to prove that I still have a sense of humor. Whenever Ryan buys us groceries he always tends to surprise me with some sort of indulgent treat because, let's face it, brain cancer is tough. We might as well enjoy something together. Well, this time he bought a half gallon of Blue Bell Southern Peach Cobbler heaven-to-my-mouth ice cream and I decided to enjoy some to myself. Ryan was gone at work and I had just laid the boys down for their nap. Two hours to myself is the most glorious part of my day. I decided to partake in some of this amazing ice cream, because it's never too early for ice cream! As I was scooping out this ice cream into a bowl, there was an unfortunate misfire. A spoonful hit the floor. I sat for several seconds debating if I should pick up the ice cream, toss it, and clean up the

Tuesday night I had a dream that Ryan had his routine MRI done. In reality, these MRI's happen every three months to see how the tumor is responding to chemo. In that dream, the MRI revealed that Ryan's tumor was gone, but the gaping resection cavity in the front right quarter of his brain remained present. The tumor was gone, but the side effects were everlasting. I was so angry. I was angry that the Lord would leave all of us bound to this impairment permanently. All hope for some sense of sanity in daily life was gone. This dream interpreted my greatest fears. Fear of this being all encompassing. Fear that this pain will be forever. Ryan had his routine MRI and appointment the morning after that dream. Yes, I was anxious to see if this dream would become a reality. I was expecting some sort of miraculous God sighting beyond the doctor's comprehension followed by great bondage to the dysfunction we're living in now. God revealed the contrary. As I've explain

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. For we know that if the tent that is our healthy home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling, if indeed by putting it on we may not be found naked. For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened-not that we would be unclothed, but that we would  be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by LIFE. He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee." 2 Corinthians 4:16-5:5 We all know the body is made up of

The further sharpening of my spiritual gift of discernment: I'm starkly aware of the Satan's battle for my heart. He is taking desperate measures to ensnare us. He continues to speak through people. I see him in the daily battle with our sons. Their anxiety is growing. My anxiety is growing. Every little thing I choose to read, every place I go, he's there waiting and the traps have been set. His battle for me is becoming physical. My heart rate is up. My right eye has had a twitch for weeks. My hand tremors are back. The struggle to keep a meal down is grueling. This battle cannot be left to the mentally impaired or the innocent. Yet, every decision I make directly affects my husband and our sons. My reserves were gone two months ago. When the daily battle reaches new depths, I retreat. I isolate. I repeat this habit all the time. It's what I've always known in the past. I'm not to the extreme yet, but I'm well on my way. Moments I venture to invite help