Mommyhood Unrefined

"Because He has inclined His ear to me, I will call on Him as long as I live." Psalm 116:2 We've had three straight weeks of celebrating my 25th birthday. It's been a blast and full of blessings, rest, and peace that I needed. Ryan has showered me with love in every way he still knows how. My heart has been fuller than its been in a very long time. We went to a Tim Hawkins show this last weekend, something I've always wanted to do. Although the show was hilarious and we had some serious laughs, the evening with Ryan left me aching. One of those deep heartaches. We arrived at this show forty five minutes early. There was plenty of time to kill. I saw it as a good opportunity to unwind and recap on each other's day. Ryan was overwhelmed by the noise as all the bodies began to flow in, so I sparked the conversation in hopes to distract him. After a minute or so of me talking, I asked him a question. Not only did I not receive a response, but I looked over t

"For you are my rock and my fortress; and for your name's sake you lead me and guide me;"  Psalm 31:3 Marriage is an incredible thing. God was right on when He designed it. I have several favorite things about marriage (naked Saturday's...before children, being a favorite), but I think what I love first and foremost was my ability to trust Ryan to direct and lead me. There are many aspects to this. One of them was that I could always rely on him to get us to where we were going when traveling. This absolutely took some trial and error. When we planned our wedding, we decided to travel out of the country for our honeymoon. We chose Italy. My extended family were Italian immigrants so, needless to say, I was excited to experience that culture. We knew a few basic phrases and chose to travel to tourist towns where English was the middle language. This was a stupidly bold move for two very strong willed people. Traveling abroad was far from the wistful experience w

Have you ever had one of those moments as a mom when you stand in stunned silence trying to absorb the level of destruction that one or two little children have rendered on your entire house? I had one of those moments this morning. Let me preface with the fact that I've been incredibly sick the past month. I just had a regression over the weekend and I can't hardly talk my throat is so sore. Needless to say, I've been in an exhausted haze. Waking up before eight in the morning has been a challenge. What I find behind the boy's bedroom door in the morning sets the mood for the entire day. It's a defining moment. Will my children behave like angels or hellions? This morning I was surprised to wake up looking at a clock that said 8:45! I tore the covers off only to hear silence across the hallway. When you become a parent, silence doesn't bring peace. It induces panic. I whipped open my door to find that the boys bedroom door was open and their bedroom was not

I'm a perpetual purger. I have a deep need to clean the slate throughout my house every two to three months. It drives Ryan nuts...understandably. Honestly, it's a blessing and  a curse. The latest project of mine has been to organize and order the basement. We have only lived here a year and it's already full. There is one room I've avoided touching or purging for months and I've been forced to face it. The shelves of our laundry room are stacked to the ceiling with boxes of the boy's clothes and other accessories that I've saved in hopes there would be another child down the road. Since Ryan started chemotherapy and radiation, I have known that a third child may never come. This level of loss has taken me much more time to submit. I have to say that, despite my endless nausea, I LOVED being pregnant. When those boys grew inside of me, I felt my purpose as a woman was finally fulfilled. I was made to bring forth life. It was miraculous feeling kicking,