Mommyhood Unrefined

"Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations; I will be exalted in the earth!" Psalm 46:10 I watched my boys play with some of my old, antique dominoes last week. They meticulously stood each piece upright, laid the path in the kitchen, knocked down the first standing in line, and watched and listened for the rest to fall in rapid succession. They knew exactly where the last one would fall. They knew the outcome. I see the draw of a game's ending. It's black and white. Someone wins and someone loses. But life is not black and white. It holds twists and turns. The boys are learning that difficulty doesn't equate to losing in life. There is no losing with our Savior. Despite knowing this truth myself, when life doesn't fall in line, I want a sign. I want some sort of forecast to lessen the blow of being swept in an unforeseen direction. The truth is, some of the greatest, most God-orchestrated moments

Do you remember making plans as a child? Do you remember when surprises were something you looked forward to? Do you remember the day it all changed? I do. I remember the big fight me and Ryan had. I remember him being in my arms the next morning, drooling, talking incoherently, and staring at me like I was another stranger. I remember waiting in the hospital feeling so much at once that all I could do was sit, expressionless, as tears dried on my cheeks. I remember Christmas and decorations being an after thought at the close of that year. I remember dancing with Ryan at my brother's wedding wondering if he would be alive and walking the following week. I remember the dichotomy of him converting his temperature from Celsius to Fahrenheit in ICU yet being unable to read an analog clock anymore. My desires and my reality mixed like oil in water. People express their worries and concerns while I fondly remember and drift off to the days that those worries and concerns were min

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." Ephesians 4:2 Three years ago, on Mother's day, we made plans to go to lunch with my family after church. That morning rolled around and the alarms rang out. I turned towards Ryan and it was clear he wasn't going to be joining us. It was chemo week. My expectations for the day had to adjust. Me and the boys got ready and left for church. Despite getting used to being alone at church for over 4 years, I remember that day I felt especially insecure. The void grew once we arrived. My parents sat down in the same pew as me, but on the opposite end. I started to ache and cramp up. In a building packed with people, I felt alone. Before child dedication, all moms were asked to stand in service. My emotions boiled at the surface. Apprehensions and all, I stood. As the sermon came to a close, we took communion. No coincidence there. I prayed that the Lord would deepen the roots of my sway

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50:20 What is it like being plotted against? What is it like to have your life openly placed in the hands of those who intend to harm you? What is it like to be erased and lose a sense of belonging? What purpose lies within betrayal? If you have read Genesis , you know that Joseph lived this reality. He may have been an obnoxious, arrogant punk with a cooler coat than everyone else. But to be sold out of his family completely? That's incredibly harsh. Yet, all things worked together for good. God showed Joseph incredible favor. As quoted from Genesis 39:3 "...the Lord caused all that he did to succeed." "And we know that for those who love God ALL THINGS work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28 Even though his life was turned upside down, Joseph became the overseer o

"Do not let any part of your body become an instrument of evil to serve sin. Instead, give yourselves completely to God, for you were dead, but now you have a new life. So use your whole body as an instrument to do what is right for the glory of God. Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead, you live under the freedom of God's grace."  Romans 6:13-14 Is that not the best and most freeing thing you have ever heard?! No more law. No more bondage. No more slavery. No more sin. Just grace and freedom! Why would I ever turn to anything else? This gift is free, as opposed to sin that is so expensive. Sin costs my peace. My identity. My relationships. It consumes the thoughts of my mind and words that come out of my mouth. I become lost within myself instead of being lost in the goodness of God. I have heard and been taught a lot about grace growing up in the church and in the world, and I'm tremendously g

"Love is found in the things we've given up, more than in the things we've kept." -Rich Mullins I took this picture last fall in Rocky Mountain National Park. I look at it and wonder, "How can something so delicate grow in something so rugged, rough and untouchable?" I'm amazed. Even rocks have spaces waiting to be filled. Even something as infertile and unforgiving as a stone has enough to nurture, support, and sustain the plants and trees that adorn it. Living, colorful foliage fill in the scars that have been dealt over time. Despair is easy to flirt with when pain brings fissures to the surface. But something I see the clearest in our situation is that God has showed us those cracks, those imperfections, all so that He can fill them. If we don't see our gaps, we don't see our need for a God. If we don't see our need, we don't cherish that relationship or set aside time to nurture it. It's that simple. In Luke 8 ,

I am frequently asked how Ryan is doing. I am frequently asked how the boys are doing. I am also frequently asked how I'm doing. I'm struggling more and more with how to answer that question. There is no short, concise response. The daily struggles are venturing more into the unspeakables. And our daily struggles don't just include our own losses. They include the continued losses of dear friends that have faithfully walked with us. These past few years, death has been all too close to our family and too close to families we love. Responses to these questions require so much thought, more thought than I have time to give. I haven't yet caught my breath and it's difficult to be wholly truthful. Since the new year I've been on a cleaning, purging, organizing, and painting frenzy. Meetings haven't stopped. Ministry commitments continue. All the windows on the north side of my house are being replaced in less than a month. That means all blinds and curtains ne