Mommyhood Unrefined

Ryan will be a complete work before the Lord calls him home. This has helped me grieve the current and daily loss of him as he was. Following the pent up anger, I'm still able to appreciate him for what he was, furthering my ability to remember him in that context instead. It's lead me down a healing path. I'm able to appreciate the small moments for what they are, without storing any hope that things will improve or change. I've never known how  not  to live in expectation. What a strange lesson. It's somewhat disheartening, but also freeing. Life is less of a "wait and see" and more of a "live and see." There is a difference. But, honestly, we still don't like that we're having to learn to live this way in the first place. Ryan will be complete in the end, but what will that look like? As Ryan worsens, how can true peace be accomplished? He used to be capable of grasping and learning new things by leaps and bounds. He seems to be head

Someone recently told me I have a lot to forgive. This is a loaded statement and I've been in very deep thought about this. Indeed, I have had to do a lot of forgiving every single day, every hour. Not only forgiving Ryan, but also forgiving myself for simply being human. Ryan's tumor isn't on my forgive list. I hate cancer. I hate sin and our Fall because cancer has resulted from it. I'm not going to lie down and accept the infection. In our case, it's blunt and easy to see. In other cases, it takes on the upwards of 20-30+ years to see the damage it's done on the inside. God has not asked me to make peace with this cancer in our lives. Cancer has resulted from our brokenness, from darkness, from the Serpent himself. I'm not called to make peace with the Enemy. God  has  asked me to make peace with Him, to make peace with His provision. This transitions to my next revelation. I've succumbed to asking God that simplistic, small minded question. "W

I know God's goodness and blessings. I've watched them unfold. They're real. I'm deeply questioning if He really holds our hearts close to Him. Is He really working for our good? Are we really going to prosper? The past two weeks have been a battle between what I know in my head and what my heart is crying for. What am I so afraid of? Why do I fear my God's abandonment after all His provision? This is the darkest and most frightening part of our path so far. God's character is not frightening. The state of my heart is. How broken must a heart be to ask these questions? We happen to be going through Hebrews in my flock at church. We've made it to Hebrews 11. "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of  things not seen.   2  For by it the people of old received their commendation.   3  By faith we understand that the universe was created by  the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of  things that are visible."