Mommyhood Unrefined

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall their be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. And He who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." Also He said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." And He said to me, "It is done! I am the Alpha Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give you the spring of the water of life without payment."" Revelations 21:4-6 Doing this whole hospital thing wears on me. I don't know if I'll ever get used to it. The commute, the parking, the hustle, the wait...everything. I've gotten into the habit of getting in, going over the list, and getting out. It really is THAT suffocating to be there. It's a place where the human damnation inside of us physically collects. It's our sin, our brokenness, and our zero capacity all jammed into one clau

As mentioned in my last post, due to concerns with many of Ryan's most recent symptoms, our usual 3 month follow up with his doctor was bumped up to this month. We had the MRI and the appointment yesterday. It was a very long, 12 hour day in Aurora. Here is the update: The doctor determined that many cognitive problems, addictive behavior, impulsive/deceptive behavior, and excessive lethargy that Ryan is increasingly struggling with is something called dopamine dysregulation syndrome. At the very least, because of Ryan's two resection cavities, the dopamine receptors are impaired and/or disrupted. The doctor has prescribed a new medication to help regulate the dopamine levels as much as we can until we learn more. Like us, the doctor is concerned that all these symptoms are coming to a head, and we're not seeing anything indicative on MRI scans. To remedy this, she has ordered another type of MRI to map his dopamine receptors to help determine the extent of dam

I'm probably one of the few out there that actually enjoys airplane rides for travel every so often, but only when I have some bank to break of course. I admit I get a little bit giddy when I get my requested window seat by the wing of the plane. It makes riding inside a stale, noisy, pressurized tube a bit more pleasurable. That midair view never ceases to strike me with childlike awe. Tilting, lifting, and watching everything below me shrink. The hustle and bustle of mundane life below eventually disappears and, despite traveling hundreds of miles per hour, everything inside me decelerates.  "I'm so small up here floating in His creation! I'm so small down there in my day to day living. What a big God I have! All this beauty, yet all He wants is my heart." The highlight is the ascent; breaking through the fog of the clouds into endless blue. Up there, there is no place the sun doesn't touch. There is no barrier to what my eyes can see. It's perfectly

"Behold, sons are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the sons of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate." Psalm 127:3-5 I grew up in a home with brothers...and I LOVED it! I never wished for anything different. I always felt protected, unique (being the only girl), valued, and upfront and center for some of the most challenging battles that young men face. Eric took his role of "oldest sibling" seriously. It was never a dictatorship to him. He wore it as a badge of honor and knew from a very young age that his role required self-sacrificing courage. If we were hurting or in crisis, we knew he would be there ready to stand up on our behalf. Despite having occasionally played the devil's advocate, we all knew he was a steady rock and that his foundation was firm. His knowledge and grasp of God

"Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's; he makes me tread on high places."  Habakkuk 3:17-19 I came across this video last Sunday and it had me in a puddle of tears on the kitchen table. The metaphor of nature is a beautiful one. Just as we accept the good and rest we have been given from the Lord, we must also accept the adversity and the barrenness that is necessary for our roots to reach deep in great thirst for our life source. These past couple weeks I've hurt. I've hurt bad. I've hurt for our sons. It hurts seeing their desperate thirst for constant affirmation and praise from Ryan. It hurts seeing them seek those needs from other men when Ryan

This was the best picture I could get of the boys before the FIRST swim lesson! Having only taken them into a pool three times this summer, unfortunately, the swim lesson was a grueling 30 minutes for both their instructor and myself. I did a lot of reiterating the importance of obedience and safety on the way home as I witnessed the boys manipulate and disobey their instructor as they do Ryan at home. This poor girl couldn't have been over 16 years old and I think we were all relieved that the class was so small, because it turned into a game of herding cats. Cringeworthy. Watching the boys rebel stirred up many deep insecurities inside me, more so than initially expected. It was so upsetting watching our daily frustrations and inconsistencies in marriage and parenting reflect in another area of life. Something as simple as swimming lessons wasn't so simple. Yet another glaring example of how hard life with a brain tumor really is, and how much it impacts the children i

"...for we walk by faith, not by sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7 That is a short and simple verse with a real challenge. Life continues to feel like a constant uprooting of our plans. I'm going to be real here. At times, I find myself inwardly attempting to foresee what God might have waiting. This becomes a constant game of accounting for all possibilities. It's quite the hindrance. It keeps me from doing things I should and making choices that may not necessarily benefit us in the long run. The knowledge and presence of Ryan's cancer has increased this stumbling block in many ways. But inevitably, what I thought was stable, shifts dramatically. Something unpredictable comes into the picture. It could be something as small as changing the boys bed time routine as Ryan is losing his sense of spacial awareness. It could be an unexpected expense, like recently hearing that we need to replace our furnace. It could be continuing to argue with our insurance company to f

One of the Pharisees asked him to eat with him, and he went into the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. And, behold, a woman of the city, who was a sinner, when she learned that he was reclined at the table in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster flask of ointment, and standing behind him at his feet, weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head and kissed his feet and anointed them with the ointment. Now when the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, "If this man were a prophet, he would have known who and what sort of woman this is who is touching him, for she is a sinner." And Jesus answering said to him, "Simon, I have something to say to you." And he answered, "Say it, Teacher." "A certain moneylendor had two debtors. One owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. When they could not pay, he cancelled the debt of both. Now which of them will love hi

"For when God made a promise to Abraham, since he had no one greater by whom to swear, he swore by himself, saying, "Surely I will bless you and multiply you." And thus Abraham, having patiently waited, obtained the promise. For people swear by something greater than themselves, and in all their disputes an oath is final for confirmation. So when God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs of the promise the unchangeable character of his purpose, he guaranteed it with an oath, so that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. We have this as a sure steadfast anchor for the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek." Hebrews 6:12-20 As much as I would like to blame this poor blog's negle